I’m already having trouble with this thing and it doesn’t even start till Saturday.

Two of the last three days have been taken up by the worst migraine I’ve ever had, I slept for 10 hours and it didn’t go away, I laid in bed for the next few hours just thinking about my issues. A super fun rabbit hole to go down, I visit it frequently. But I kept trying to talk myself out of the spending ban. I did this by beating myself up. You never stick with anything what makes you think you could do this? For a whole year?? You’ve barely stayed with any job for more that a year, you couldn’t handle college, you’ve never even had a relationship. Why even try if you’re going to fail? I as mean as I was being to myself, I had a point. There’s a pattern in how I handle things. I hate endings so I don’t finish things. I always have a five or ten year plan yet I am terrified of whatever might come next. What if it’s not what I planned for? What if it is but I hate it?

What if it feels right now but it doesn’t later? What if I commit and it’s the wrong thing? This is my biggest fear in life. Not commitment, but unwise or wrong commitments. I’ve watched people who think they made the right deduction crash and burn but they’re stuck with the choice.

I didn’t intend to get very personal on this blog, I wanted to do facts only but I’m gonna talk about personal shit. I’m going to say whatever I need to and not worry about who reads it or if anyone does. This is for me.

This year I’m going to break down my fears and move past them. I’m going to finish things. I’m going to commit. It’s okay if it’s not right. It’s okay if I crash and burn. But I won’t because all the things I’m afraid of doing are the things I’ve always wanted to pursue. I know that I want these things so I know it’s right.

I’m going to deal with my commitment issues. I promise. I have to fill out fafsa, apply for, attend, and graduate cosmetology school, finish my B.A. in psychology, and begin my career. Also successfully complete this spending ban. That’s only like 7 things, no problem.

Current To-Do list (with deadlines!):

⁃ fill out FAFSA – by 6/5

⁃ Sell old text books – post them by EOD 6/2

⁃ Sell and donate old clothes – post by EOD 6/2

⁃ Repair and spot treat damaged and stained clothes – by 6/6

⁃ Finish decluttering!! – by 6/1

I’m going to be a lot more active here than I thought. Like, I’ll 100% post weekly updates on Monday but this is basically a journal every other day of the week.